Who Would The SEC Football Coaches Be If They Were In The Game of Thrones Universe?

Last weekend, as I plopped down on my brother Nick’s couch to watch football, we started talking about the latest Butch Jones meltdown, this time at the hands of Florida. As I relived the massive screw-ups, poor play, and game mismanagement that have become staples of Butch's tenure, this thought randomly popped into my head: if Butch Jones was a Game of Thrones character, who would he be? It probably had something to do with the fact that Butch and the newest season of GoT have been by far the biggest letdowns in my life the last two months. Plus, Nick is the perfect person to ask for a question like this, because he’s one of the few people on the planet who is a bigger fan of Thrones than I am. So as we discussed the answer to that question, the conversation naturally moved onto attempting to fill out where the rest of the SEC coaches would fit in the GoT world. We ironed out the details over the rest of week, before finally settled on the following list.

One point of order: I’m comparing these coaches only to their show counterparts, so if you’re a book reader, please don’t comment on this and say something like, “TYRION ISN’T ^%#$+%  LIKE THAT IN THE BOOK YOU #$*&%$  @$$(#(%,!!!” I know you all are raging because George R.R. Martin is going to croak before he finishes The Winds of Winter, but instead of harassing me, hop on Reddit or 4Chan and spill your pent up Lady Stoneheart/"David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are literally Hitler” anger there.

So, without further ado, here’s the list of SEC coaches, and their Game of Thrones counterparts….

(Warning: spoilers, obviously....)

Ed Orgeron, LSU, is Robert Baratheon

One of the easiest on the list. Both men are fun, jovial, loud, energetic, and large, but they also literally have no business running a major college football program, or reigning over seven kingdoms. Robert spends his days drinking, whoring, and eating, while Ed spends his losing by 30 to Mississippi State.

Nick Saban, Alabama, is Tywin Lannister

This one is perfect. Both are intimidating, calculating men who dominate the entire sphere that they occupy. Saban is the best coach in college football, and when Tywin assumes his post as Hand of King during Season 3, his presence and political will control and influence all of Westeros for the next two seasons. Both men, however, have also been undone by their fatal flaw; in Saban’s case, it’s a running quarterback in the spread offense, while Tywin’s was his son Tyrion, who put him down with a crossbow.

Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M, is Robb Stark

The Sumlin/Robb parallels are uncanny. Both got off to extremely hot starts by dealing defeats to the Tywin of their world (Sumlin knocked off Saban in 2012, his first year at A&M, and Robb did it by beating Tywin on the battlefield). Sumlin was declared a genius by the media, and Robb was robustly crowned King in the North. However, as both men continued in their positions, their flaws began to undo them. For Sumlin, it was his inability to have a competent defense, while Robb was destroyed by his poor decision making, and trust in the wrong people. Sumlin’s terrible defenses were Robb’s Theon Greyjoy, Roose Bolton, and Walder Frey mistakes all rolled into one. Plus, A&M’s blown 34 point lead in the first week of the season at UCLA was basically the equivalent of Robb blowing off his marriage commitment to one of the Frey girls because he was star struck by another hot piece of ass. Sumlin hasn’t had his Red Wedding moment yet, but that can only be when he gets fired at the end of the season.

Bret Bielema, Arkansas, is Theon Greyjoy

Life was never better than it was at the beginning for these two. Bielema had four 10 win seasons and won three Big Ten titles at Wisconsin, while Theon, thanks to his father’s unsuccessful and foolish rebellion against the crown, was taken in by the Starks and basically raised as one of Ned Stark’s sons. Despite the fact that he was for all intents and purposes a prisoner, the Starks did more than could’ve been expected for him, and he spent all of his formative years building relationships in Winterfell. I’m not sure things could’ve been much better for him, considering the circumstances that got him moved to Winterfell in the first place. However, both men, due to their own egos, decided it’d be a good idea to betray the very thing that was the best for them. For Bielema, that was to leave the comfort of Wisconsin, and travel south to Arkansas, while Theon traveled back to the Iron Islands and allowed himself to be convinced that betraying the Starks and the North was his best course of action. We all know how that turned out, of course. Bielema, in 4+ years at Arkansas, is a disastrous 26-28 overall and 10-23 in the SEC, and his loss to Texas A&M on Saturday has probably sealed his fate. Theon, meanwhile, stupidly took Winterfell, got betrayed by his men, had his manhood chopped off by Ramsay Snow, and spent the last 4 seasons vacillating between Reek and his former self. Sheesh. 

Dan Mullen, Mississippi State, is Davos Seaworth

Both men owe a ton to their school/king, and because of this, they’ve remained loyal, even when they could’ve gone somewhere else, or things didn’t look so good. And because of their loyalty, they’ve been well compensated. State gave Mullen his first head coaching job, and despite multiple offers to go somewhere else, he’s always stayed, even though it’s apparent that the Bulldogs (like Stannis) don’t have a real shot of actually sitting on the Iron Throne/winning the SEC. And he's been paid well for his loyalty, $4.8 million a year to be exact. Davos was raised by Stannis from a pirate smuggler to a knight, thanks to his help during Robert’s Rebellion, and remained loyal to him despite everything, from their defeat at the Blackwater to the ride north of the wall. Eventually, for his service and loyalty, Davos was elevated higher than he ever could've imagined, as Stannis named him Hand of the King.

Gus Malzahn, Auburn, is Tyrion Lannister

Both reached their highest highs early on, Malzahn during his first year at Auburn in 2013, and Tyrion during Season 2, when he ruled as Hand of the King in his father’s place. If Malzahn’s “Prayer in Jordan Hare” was Tyrion’s cutting off Pycelle’s beard moment, then Auburn’s miracle “Kick Six” against ‘Bama was the equivalent of Tyrion’s wildfire in the Blackwater. Unfortunately, neither have been able to reach those highs again. Auburn blew a double digit lead to Florida State in the national championship game, and Tyrion had his face cut open and lost his place as Hand when his father returned. Malzahn spent the next few years without a competent quarterback or respectable defense, and Tyrion sat around and got wine poured over his head, lost verbal sparring matches with his father, was falsely accused of murdering Joffrey, and had to watch Oberyn, his champion, have his head popped like a ballon. They both have made comebacks in recent years though. Malzahn made the Sugar Bowl last season, while Tyrion murdered his father, escaped to Essos, and got himself named Dany’s Hand of the Queen.

Jim McElwain, Florida, is Daenerys Targaryen

Both of these people inherited tons of talent, but seem incapable of being able to fully implement it into the winning strategy that their followers/fans want. McElwain has one of the 7 or 8 best jobs in the country at Florida, a place with rabid fans, a willing administration, and hundreds of in state quality football players. Meanwhile, Dany was gifted three dragons, whose only weakness appears to be the Night King’s cannon arm. Along the way, she picked up the Unsullied, the best fighting force in Essos, and the Dothraki, the best horseman in the entire world. And she had the support of the Tyrells and the Martells. And what has she done with this immense talent? Not much really. The same can be said for McElwain. Honestly, how impressive is it really to win the SEC East/conquer Essos? The East has been a dumpster fire of coaches the last 2+ years, and McElwain just happens to be the least incompetent. He’s an offensive-minded coach that still hasn’t been able to figure out that side of the ball, which has led to multiple unwatchable, clogged toilet bowl Gator offensive performances since 2015. The incredible thing about all of this, of course, is that he’s won the East twice. The fact that that’s a reality just goes to show you how terrible everyone else has been in that division. This has been shown to be true, because every time he’s faced a competent coach (like Saban or Harbaugh), he’s been completely embarrassed. The same goes for Dany. I mean, when your most difficult foes in Essos are slave armies and slave masters, how difficult is it to actually defeat them? Which is why she’s been exposed as fraud since she arrived in Westeros. Any sane person, with the army she had, flies on the back of Drogon, along with the two other dragons, and burns the Red Keep to the ground, kills Cersei, takes the Iron Throne, and begins to rule. Do you think Aegon the Conqueror, who also had three dragons, would’ve decided to negotiate with Cersei, allow her to stay in power, or trust her to keep her promise to march North? Why do that when your goal is the throne and the armies you’d be facing in King's Landing literally have no realistic chance of stopping you? And if you’re concerned about the white walkers, keeping Cersei around, with the little troops she actually has left, literally makes no sense. Instead, Cersei’s still in power, the Tyrells and Martells are nonfactors/destroyed, she's lost a dragon, and she banged her nephew, someone who, for what it’s worth, has a better claim to the throne than she does. Not great.

Kirby Smart, Georgia, is Euron Greyjoy

Smart is Euron because I’m not sure what to make of either of them yet. Euron showed up and had a few great moments and one-liners, but then he basically just vanished from the the second half of Season 7, before reappearing in the finale for what was basically just a quick cameo. Smart won on the road at Notre Dame, blew out Mississippi State, and has Georgia in the top 10. I’m keeping my eye on both of them.

Will Muschamp, South Carolina, is Stannis Baratheon

If Muschamp’s firing at Florida was Stannis’s Blackwater moment, then his hiring at South Carolina was definitely Stannis’s re-emergence north of the Wall. Muschamp seems like a capable defensive coordinator, but would you really want him coaching your football team? Probably not. Stannis is assuredly a fine battle commander, but is anyone delusional enough to think that he’d make a great king? Besides Davos, Melisandre, and Stannis himself, there really isn’t. If Stannis’s inability to inspire love and loyalty, as well as his foolish, constant belief in Melisandre was his downfall, then Muschamp’s putrid offenses have been his undoing.

Mark Stoops, Kentucky, is Mance Rayder

Both are free spirits and loud mouths who look extremely intimidating and imposing, commanding armies/football teams that are supposedly “up and comers”. But instead, at the first sign of trouble, they fold faster than an employee at an Abercrombie. Mance’s inability to deal with Stannis’s calvary was like that time when Kentucky’s defense suddenly forgot that it was important to not let Florida’s receivers line up wide open and burn them for touchdowns.

Barry Odom, Missouri, is Tommen Baratheon

Both guys inherited rocky situations that they were ill-equipped to deal with, and no one has any real expectations that they’ll be able to make it significantly better. Odom took over the program right as the entire school was being decimated by fake racism protests (enrollment has dropped 35% since all of that started). Odom is just a football coach, and what appears to be a mediocre one at that, but he surely doesn’t have the skill set to deal with a dying university in a football-crazed conference. Meanwhile, Tommen, a child, suddenly became, in name only, the most powerful person in all of Westeros, and was forced to navigate King’s Landing, a notoriously corrupt city with a million different agendas and players moving chess pieces. Tommen’s situation gets worse when his only buffer, Tywin, gets gunned down by Tyrion, which allowed his mother to slide into a powerful position basically uninhibited. All of this eventually lead to the High Sparrow, the hijacking of the Crown by The Faith Militant, Cersei’s walk of shame, the destruction of the Sept of Baelor, and ultimately, Tommen’s suicide. Neither of these guys, unfortunately, had a real chance from the start.

Derek Mason, Vanderbilt, is Littlefinger

Mason, like Littlefinger, has high aspirations for himself/the football program. However, both, no matter what they do, have no real shot of reaching their goals. Mason coaches Vanderbilt, the worst football school in the SEC, and Littlefinger’s last name is Baelish. He’s the lord of a small, not-very-prestigious holding, and there isn’t any amount of scheming that will bring him his ultimate desires, which are Sansa and the Iron Throne. The same goes for Mason. James Franklin did about as well as anyone could possibly hope to do at Vanderbilt, and even he couldn’t manage to be better than 9-4. Littlefinger worked his way up to have a seat on the Small Council; Mason got Vanderbilt to bowl eligibility last season. Realistically, that’s the best either can do, based on their circumstances. Anything higher than that leads to things like Littlefinger getting his throat cut, or Vanderbilt appearing on CBS and losing 59-0 to Alabama.

Matt Luke, Ole Miss, is Guy Who Helicoptered Cersei

Remember that guy? The one who ran out and showed off his package to Cersei during her walk of shame? The one who bragged about it loudly, and then had his head smashed into the wall by the Mountain as he relieved himself? Not a super memorable couple of scenes, but when I described it, you remembered it, right? Since Luke was always going to be a stop-gap, one year plan, his SEC run is basically nothing more than a forgettable character who gets three scenes before he meets his demise.

Butch Jones, Tennessee, is Mace Tyrell

Yes, at long last, we’ve reached the originator of this question, the Life Champion himself, Butch Jones. Why Mace Tyrell, might you ask? Because Mace is a bumbling fool who is the Liege Lord of a great and powerful house. Sounds an awful lot like Butch, right? From his uncomfortable song in Braavos, to his uninspiring speech in front of his men before they attempt to rescue his son and daughter from the High Sparrow, to his ridiculous garb, everything about the man screams, “Everyone else knows I’m in over my head except for me!”. You laugh at Mace Tyrell, and you know what he is. It sucks to have to root for him when he’s on the sidelines making all the major decisions for your football team.

Who is the Jon Snow of the SEC you might ask? Oh, that’s simple, that’ll be Chip Kelly when he takes over at Tennessee in 2018 and revitalizes the program and returns it to it’s former glory. Azor Ahai!