Return of the Matt

College football is back in our lives again tonight, and I literally couldn’t be happier.

But first, where the heck have I been since this?

Last year I spent entirely too much time breaking this stuff down, arguing with myself about predictions, racking my brain for the perfect cross-cultural comparisons, and scouring the interwebs (mostly Youtube) searching for the correct humorous links that would hammer my point across. And, though it was sometimes challenging work, I loved every aspect of it. There was nothing quite like gathering my thoughts, sorting them together in some order, and pushing them out for whoever cared to see it.

But, at some point, I fell off. I don’t know exactly why that was. It’s not like I didn’t enjoy the process of writing what I wanted. I’m basically just constructing a zillion arguments, adding jokes, looking up stats, arguing with myself, and tying it all into a nice, neat bow. Maybe the entire process of getting where I want to go with writing overwhelmed me. Maybe I made the decision that it was easier to just not do anything than to actually try and pursue what I wanted. Maybe I felt like no one cared because I wasn’t getting the number of views I wanted. Maybe I went back, read some of my older stuff, and thought to myself, “Dang, this looks like it was written by an 11 year old”. I have no idea. All those thoughts probably played a part in my disappearance.

So for those of you that read my stuff every week, or even occasionally, I’m sorry I wasn’t here to supply you with humor, insight, or thoughts that made you feel better about yourself, like, “Man, I thought I was dumb, but this guy is actually stupid”. I want to be here for you guys like that again, and will be, for all football season, and even beyond, until I keel over and die, get arrested for blasting fireworks at 4 in the morning, or find myself banned from the internet for bad opinions, mind-numbing picks, and jokes so unfunny that they seemed like they were ripped straight off Carrot Top’s last comedy album.

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So before we get into my opening weekend college football picks, why don’t I share with you one of my five favorite Youtube videos of all time, Shia Labeouf's motivational masterpiece.

DO IT!!! MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!! JUST… DO IT!!!!

Oh, I will Shia. I will.

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Week 1 Predictions (Home Team in CAPS)

SOUTH CAROLINA over North Carolina

I’m picking the Gamecocks because they’re an SEC team at home with superior athletes at the majority of positions on the field. Then again, remember their opening game last year? You know, the first game ever on the SEC Network, when Texas A&M absolutely Seagal'd them for four quarters and won 52-28? We got a way too early nickname for a one hit wonder quarterback (Kenny Trill anyone? Whoops….) absolutely lost our minds over Kevin Sumlin’s offense, and declared that A&M had surpassed Texas as THE program in that state, and that they were the next dynasty, along the lines of USC in the early 2000’s, Florida in the mid 2000’s, and ‘Bama’s since then. So what happened? Hill’s gem against SC turned out to be much like the Baha Men’s Who Let The Dogs Out?, a one hit wonder that wasn’t indicative of any future success. Plus, their defense did their best impression of a revolving door, and their head coach, the “immortal” Sumlin, was completely incapable of doing anything about it. Their 59-0 beat down at the hands of Alabama later in the season was the Molotov cocktail of all their problems meshing together into one.

So what did we learn? Well, for starters, this game turned out to be one of the least consequential contests of the year. Both schools, ranked in the Top 25, finished 3-5 in conference play and far from both the national and conference championship discussion. The Gamecocks turned out to be exactly what they proved in Week 1; a semi-talented team with a lackluster defense that got torched on a weekly basis. The Aggies? Not so much. We never saw anything close to that level of dominance from them again. 

So what can we draw from any of these early season matchups? Not much, really. Remember Ohio State’s first two games last year? They lost star quarterback Braxton Miller in the preseason, which forced them to throw unproven redshirt freshman J.T. Barrett to the wolves. And it wasn’t pretty… at first. The Buckeyes struggled mightily to put away Navy, and then lost by fourteen points at home to what would end up being a mediocre 7-6 Virginia Tech squad. The country collectively washed their hands of the Buckeyes, and we forgot about them for the next six weeks. However, quietly, during that time period, Barrett got more comfortable and started showing flashes, they committed to a running game that started pounding the rock down everyone’s throats, and the team came together so strongly throughout the season that they ran the table in the Big 10 and kicked both Alabama’s and Oregon’s butt (my two best teams all year) so alarmingly that I remember being completely shocked at how badly they outclassed them.

So Week 1, while being incredibly exciting, isn’t really all that important in determining the overall level of play for each team during the season. There are so many changes during the year, whether it being injuries, growth and development, or something as simple as confidence. It’s all about getting better every week and coming together as a team by the end of the season. Ohio State wasn’t close to being the best team in September. But January? There was no doubt. And you would’ve never thought that after they got throttled by the Hokies.

 UTAH over Michigan

The Harbaugh era will start off with a loss. I don’t think Utah is significantly better that the Wolverines, but any time one team has to fly at least two time zones to play an equally matched team; I’m always going to pick the home team. I think Harbaugh will absolutely be a slam dunk at Michigan (he has been everywhere else), but this feels like a 7-6 or 6-7 team to me. New coach, new system, new everything, and awkward interviews aside, I just don’t think there’s all that much talent on this Michigan roster.

#2 Tcu over MINNESOTA

I think the Horned Frogs are going undefeated in the regular season. They were one 10 minute brain fart against Baylor from doing it last year, and they return 10 starters from last year’s frightening effective offense. Trevone Boykin is the best quarterback in the Big 12, and he’ll put up monster numbers all year in a conference that has the Rhett Butler attitude towards defense. 

#23 BOISE STATE over Washington

#21 Stanford over NORTHWESTERN

I think I’m going to be really high on the Cardinal every year, even if they’ve been incapable of consistently driving the ball down the field with the passing game since Andrew Luck left. I just like how consistently they are committed to physically pounding the rock and punching you in the mouth on the defensive end. I think they’re going to win the Pac 12 North. And with that level of praise, I might have just tanked their entire season. Whoops.

#6 AUBURN over Louisville

I couldn’t mention this game without bringing up the Bobby Petrino-Auburn connection. You know, like that time when Petrino accepted the Louisville head coach job for the first time all the way back in 2003, and then followed up that exciting development in his life by immediately interviewing with Auburn boosters for their own head coaching job in his backyard, only behind the backs of his boss, Cardinals AD Tom Jurich, as well as the then Tigers’ coach Tommy Tuberville, who was still in charge of the program. Is their any individual in the history of sports with a more disastrous triumvirate of deception than Petrino? Don’t forget about him walking out on the Falcons in the middle of the night, escaping to Fayetteville to coach the Razorbacks, or his eventual firing from that school, after his motorcycle accident revealed that he had his significantly younger mistress on the payroll. I don’t have anything personally against Petrino… oh wait, never mind, I actually do. He a used car salesman, the type of guy that would steal like $60,000 from a church or children’s hospital. What a shady dude.

Auburn can win this game on talent alone, but here’s the real question; are they going to be able to stop anyone this year? Heck, is anyone going to be able to consistently play defense this year? I swear, last year it seemed like every offensive player in the country was allowed to dip themselves in arsenic before every game, and the defenders realized it just as they were going in for the tackle. They then thought, “Yeah, I mean I know it’s my job to being putting these guys on the ground, but I’m not trying to get arsenic on me. That’s scary. I’ll just let you go on by now”. And that’s everything you need to know about tackling and defense in 2014. Will new defensive coordinator Will Muschamp help the Tigers? Who knows? And honestly, does defense even matter anymore? Sometimes I feel like it really doesn’t.

#25 TENNESSEE over Bowling Green

Excuse me while I jump into full-on homer mode for a second….

WE’RE COMING FOR THE WHOLE CONFERENCE THIS YEAR!!! WHOSE READY TO GET THEIR NECKS KICKED OFF??!!!

                  

Why not though?

#3 Alabama over #20 Wisconsin

Everybody’s really down on the Tide after they got manhandled by the Buckeyes in the playoffs last year, but why shouldn’t they be the prohibitive favorites in the SEC West again? Look at the other “contenders”…..

1. Auburn doesn’t play any defense, and I have no idea if they’ll figure out how to do it this season.
2. Ditto for Texas A&M. We’ll see if John Chavis makes a difference for them on that side of the ball this season.
3. Here are the LSU’s relevant starting quarterbacks since 2007: Jarrett Lee, Jordan Jefferson, Zach Mettenberger, Anthony Jennings, Brandon Harris. Here are Tennessee’s (pre Josh Dobbs): Jonathan Crompton, Nick Stephens, Tyler Bray, Matt Simms, Justin Worley, Nathan Peterman. Lots and lots of mediocre quarterback play. Just abysmal in some places. And don’t give me Mettenberger, who was more of a game manager who just happened to have a strong arm. If you both programs switched quarterback situations over the last seven seasons, how would that affect the records of both teams? Don’t you feel like they’d be virtually the same? Both schools have trotted out a lot of crap at that position in that stretch. LSU’s advantage over the Vols has been their superior talent at virtually every other position, as well as the zany genius of the Mad Hatter, Les Miles. It also helps that the Bayou Bengals have had one coach during this stretch, compared to Tennessee, who is currently on their fourth different coach. LSU still has unsolved QB questions, and I don’t see them figuring it out this season either.
4. Everyone loves Arkansas as a sleeper, but didn’t they go 2-6 in conference play last season? Oh…. Calm the Hog love down. Win five conference games in the same season first. Then we’ll talk.

So yeah, ‘Bama got decimated last year. It happens. Sometimes you just get beat. But they’ve still got the best coach in the conference, and just as much talent as everyone else in the division. It might not be pretty (and it rarely is with them), but I think picking anyone is ludicrous.

#25 TENNESSEE over Bowling Green

Excuse me while I jump into full-on homer mode for a second….

WE’RE COMING FOR THE WHOLE CONFERENCE THIS YEAR!!! WHOSE READY TO GET THEIR NECKS KICKED OFF??!!!

Why not though? The East is wide open, and in a lot of places, a wasteland. South Carolina tackles about as well as a team full of lepers, Kentucky has no shot, Vanderbilt should disband its football program, and Florida has a new coach, Jim McElwain, who is about a 7.5 on the “I’m Derek Dooley And Am In Completely Over My Head” scale. Georgia will find a way to screw it up, probably by blowing a winnable game in November. And then there’s Missouri…. I mean, I respect what the Tigers have done in the SEC thus far, but are they really going to win the East three years in a row? Really? There’s more optimism around the Vol program than I can ever remember, and it’s not like the fans are completely unjustified in feeling that way. They found their star quarterback in Dobbs, the recruiting is excellent, the schedule breaks their way a little bit this year, half the teams in the East are wandering around blindly in the dark, and Butch just seems like the right guy to guide the program back to its former glory. It’s almost too perfect, which is why I’m more nervous and anxious for this football season than any I can ever remember. There are so many unanswered questions with this team, one that is still extremely young and inexperienced. And what if they get blasted by Oklahoma next weekend? How will they respond? And what if Dobbs gets hurt? That offensive line is still somewhere between passable and putrid, and we saw how poorly it blocked for most of last season. I’m crossing my fingers, rolling the dice, and praying to Thor himself that this season turns out the way I want it to.

#1 Ohio State over VIRGINIA TECH

The Buckeyes will take care of business on Monday night, avenging last year’s embarrassing defeat against the Hokies, but hear this: they will not go undefeated this year. I know, I know, the schedule is laughably easy (their toughest game is when they host Michigan State on November 21), but somewhere along the way, they’ll slip up. Everybody is gunning for them now. I’m looking at that Penn State game on October 17^th as the early favorite for a Buckeye defeat. Sure, it’s a night game in Columbus, but James Franklin is a really smart coach of a program that seems ready to really bust out at any point. Plus, the Nittany Lions’ game the week before is against the biggest cupcake program in the conference, Indiana. Keep an eye on that one.

Other game picks

#23 BOISE STATE over Washington

#15 Arizona State over Texas A&M

#11 NOTRE DAME over Texas

So enjoy college football this weekend. You deserve it.

I’ll leave you with here with my preseason predictions (and yes, I love USC, not just because of their talent, but also because Steve Sarkisian just stole the head coach/manager that would definitely be the most fun at a party championship belt from Kliff Kingsbury and Ron Washington.

BIG 10 EAST

Ohio State

B1G 10 WEST

Wisconsin

CHAMPION

Ohio State

ACC ATLANTIC

FSU

ACC COASTAL

Georgia Tech

CHAMPION

Georgia Tech

PAC 12 NORTH

Stanford

PAC 12 SOUTH

USC

CHAMPION

USC

SEC EAST

Tennessee

SEC WEST

Alabama

CHAMPION

Alabama

BIG 12 CHAMPION

TCU

PLAYOFF

(4) Alabama over (1) TCU

(3) USC over (2) Ohio State

NATIONAL CHAMPION

USC 31 Alabama 27